Wondering exactly what to text her?
You’re not alone…
Many guys struggle with what to text a girl and how to communicate effectively with them!
Most guys really have no idea what to do after they get a number.
But in this day and age, it’s absolutely essential that they learn! Women simply won’t give a man the time of day when he doesn’t know what to say in a text message!
Just think about it. You really only have that first interaction with a woman, the time you actually get her number, to give her your best impression. After that, it’s all about the text game, so you really have to master what you say. Any bad slip up or mistake and your potential for a date will slip away forever . . .
And some other guy will take your place!
The following tips are the essentials for what to text a girl:
Use these tips wisely and you’ll notice women responding more favorably to you.
You’ll be getting her to say “Yes” to go on a date with you.
You’ll be getting her laughing and saying how great of a guy you are.
You’ll probably even get her to fall for you completely over text!
It happens all the time.
Trust me, when you figure out exactly how to do it, you’re going to LOVE texting!
Smiley Faces and LOLs
I’d like to start off with one of my most important and helpful texting tools . . . yes the smiley face!
When the question of what to text a girl comes up, smiley faces are good in my book. I like to use them here and there just to lighten things up with a woman. Some dating coaches wouldn’t recommend doing this, but I disagree. A proper smiley face can put more meaning to something you text. After all, when you send a text, you don’t really have the luxury of fully expressing yourself through voice tone and changes of body language the way you would in person. So sometimes, when you say something she might take as being serious through text, if you just throw in a smiley face at the end, it can completely change the mood of the text.
For example, if you want to tease a girl but not come across as being too serious, you can say something like “Julie! Where the hell have you been? It’s been forever since I’ve seen you :)” A text like this shows her that you’re inquiring about her and would like to know where she’s been lately. At the same time, though, you’re making a bit of a joke about her not being around, so it’s a good way to ask something semi-seriously while at the same time coming across as playful.
Compare a message like that to “Julie! Where the hell have you been? It’s been forever since I’ve seen you!” This message is a little too serious for a question like that. She’s so much more likely to reply to the first as opposed to the second, which is a little too pressing.
Using “lol” is a similar thing I like to do and recommend. It’s basically the same idea as the smiley face and can also be used to lighten the mood. A good “lol” placed in a text message shows a woman you’re making a joke. It’s not literally meant to mean that you’re “laughing out loud,” but it has transformed more into meaning that you’re joking or find something funny. (The same thing could be said for using “haha” as this is interchangeable with “lol.”)
To lighten the mood again for something that seems serious, you might say to a woman, “Yeah, I just got home from the gym. They had to kick me out because I started lifting up the side of the building lol.” Just saying something ridiculous like this could get a laugh out of her, and the placement of that “lol” at the end of the sentence clearly tells her you’re joking around as opposed to just being weird. Take that “lol” out of the sentence, and it really just comes across as strange. But when you keep it in, it shows that you’re just making a joke out of something boring.
This example is just that, an example. It’s so much easier to come up with your own as this has no context for a real conversation and would be useless if you tried to duplicate it. Just try to understand the usefulness of “lol” here and there. Like anything else, don’t overdo it. Putting “lol” into every sentence, or even every few sentences, makes you look like a half-assed, not-so-funny, would-be comedian!
Instead, use it rather sparingly and interchangeably with the smiley faces. Again, just here or there will do. Otherwise, you’ll come off as trying too hard to be funny and look weak.
Really before even thinking about what to text a girl, timing is perhaps the most import part of any good text game. Timing is the space in between texts that you and she take to reply back to each other’s messages. Most high-status or quality girls have a lot going on in their lives; therefore, they tend to be busy a lot of the time and tend to take longer to reply back to your texts. (It’s either this, or they just want to appear busy and will take their time in replying.)
This is okay. You’ll want to appear as if you’re high status and busy as well and take your time in replying to her, too. It’s the same thing as in person. You don’t want to appear too available as this makes you look needy.
So with that said . . .
How often should you text a girl?
If she takes, say, half an hour to reply back to your initial text, and you reply within a minute or two of her response, you come off as very needy. (You also come off as a bit creepy, like you were just staring at your phone like some kind of Fatal Attraction-type character, just waiting for her to answer you, and when she did, you answered her right away.)
I’m telling you right now that, if you do anything resembling this, you will totally creep the woman out. You’ve probably done this before already, thinking that if you didn’t reply to her fast enough, she might lose attraction for you or she might be upset with you because you take too long and that might ruin your chances with her. It’s so common in game.
Come on, admit it, you’ve done this before; everyone has. I’ve made this mistake millions of times. But now I know about timing. Now I take my time in responding to a woman, and by doing so, I create intrigue and interest as well as more attraction. It’s counter-intuitive, but it really works.
A simple rule is to take as long (if not longer) to reply to her texts as she takes to reply to yours. It’s not a rule that should be followed to a tee, but it should be loosely followed, and if done, should put you into an attraction-building position.
I say loosely followed here because you don’t want to always text her eleven minutes after she texts you if she usually takes about ten minutes to text you. If you develop a pattern of taking the same amount of time to text her every time you respond back, she’ll pick up on this and know that you are literally just waiting to text her. It’s nearly as bad as texting her right away.
So mix it up and make it appear more natural. If she is in a pattern of texting you every ten minutes or so, and you have seven texts between you, take 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 8 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 5 minutes, 13 minutes.
These texts will make her want you more and more. They’re more of the natural timing texts between friends would be. At the same time, they build interest in you because you’re getting back to her as part of your normal day, unlike most guys who’d text her back right away. During this time, she’ll wonder what you’re doing, why you’re not like all those other guys she talks to, and why you aren’t texting her right away. It works great.
Take your time!
When figuring out what to text a girl it can be tough to take your time texting a woman, especially when you’re really interested in her, and it seems counter-intuitive to think that by waiting (and potentially making her upset) you’re actually making her more interested in you. But it works. If she flips the script and takes forever to get back to you, and you (like I do) get anxious waiting for her reply, just put down your phone and do something fun.
I used to frequently fall into the trap many people these days fall into, and that is that we keep our cell phones with us at all times. We become obsessed with checking our phones every couple of minutes, and we don’t take control of our lives. Instead, we let our cell phones control how we live!
You see it everywhere, from texting and driving to people out on dates, where one person is texting while the other is looking around, bored to death. For me, waiting to hear back from people I had texted made me very restless. I’d look at my phone every minute or so after I had texted a woman to see if she’d replied back yet.
I’d look at my message, make sure it had been sent and had actually gone through. Then I’d check that the phone wasn’t on silent and that the vibrator was on so that I’d know for sure when I did get that text back. And then, several minutes later, I’d go through this whole process again, after having checked my phone several more times and not seeing any new messages.
What I started to do was just put my phone on silent and leave it on my charger, upside down. This way, it would charge, it would be on, and I would get the text message. However, I wouldn’t check my phone on any regular basis; instead, I’d just leave it in my room and go and do something else. This got it out of sight and out of mind for me so that I could focus my time on something more fun or productive.
I’d shoot some hoops, work on business, eat food, work out, play pool, listen to music, write, watch a good television show, listen to a quick self-hypnosis session, or take a shower—anything I would have been doing if I weren’t busy texting! Any of these activities took my mind off what she might be thinking or doing, and I could actually be productive with my time.
I soon started setting aside periods of time throughout the day where I would just put my phone down for a couple of hours, whether or not I was in the midst of talking to a woman, just to give myself a rest from it. If someone called or texted me, I wouldn’t know, so I wouldn’t care. I’d simply check my phone later on for missed calls or messages, when I was ready to have it at hand again.
This was such a great stress relief from everything. I really enjoyed this break from having to worry about getting back to people and I still do it now. In fact, when I’m working, even writing this book, I don’t have my cell phone anywhere near me. And I am able to get so much more done.
A major mistake guys make nowadays when deciding how to text girls is spelling words as if they’re little kids. So many guys do this, and it’s such an obvious yet overlooked mistake. They think that because a text isn’t an official document or source of writing, they do not have to follow the correct grammar rules of the English language!
It’s sort of a bad trend, one that never really went away. I believe it may have come from a lot of teenagers, who made up the vast majority of texters when texting first became popular. Kids spelled words intentionally wrong on platforms such as MySpace, AIM Chat, AOL Messenger, and other social media means.
These habits carried over to text messaging, and as more and more adults started texting, some of them followed a lot of the same routines as the younger generation of texters had. They intentionally misspelled words, perhaps as a way of being cool or as a way of fitting into the social norm that was developed by the younger generation of texters. (This, of course, is all just a personal theory of mine; nonetheless, my hope is that this trend ultimately stops.)
Men wonder why women don’t respond back to texts like “hay hun how r u?” or “I kno it was kewl 2 meet u.” These texts just scream stupidity! They make the person sending them look like a complete idiot. No quality woman is going to respond back to a man who talks like a 12-year-old, barely literate boy!
It’s like going to a professional job interview dressed in a tank-top and gym shorts. You come across as totally beneath her and look like a complete fool. Instead, if you’re talking to an intelligent woman, mirror her intelligence. Show her that you’re just as smart as she is by spelling words correctly and speaking with a good level of sophistication. Don’t try to be pedantic, but be her equal. Speak like her intellectual equivalent. Spell all of your words correctly, and follow good English grammar laws.
On that note, however, you do want to sort of mirror her texting. If she has a certain way of writing and tends to not really care about spelling or punctuation, then it’s okay to slack a little bit on your end and do the same. Mirroring is pretty important in texting.
If you’re a professional writer, and English is her second language, your texts probably won’t click with hers too well. She might not even understand half the things you’re saying and could feel out of place trying to keep up.
Instead, you might lower the bar of text perfection a bit to communicate more effectively with her. If she’s more proficient in the English language than you are, raise the bar, and be as grammatically thorough as possible.
Minor things like punctuation are not as important as the spelling itself. If you’re trying to “speak” a certain way and you want to emphasize something, it’s okay to use three or four exclamation points. If she doesn’t use any punctuation at the end of her sentences, then you don’t really have to use it either. It’s not really a factor at all. At the end of the day, it really all comes down to the way she texts and the way you mirror that.
Keep Interest and Intrigue
After you’ve gotten a woman’s number, the game really just begins. When figuring out what to text a girl you must keep the same principles of attraction and good game in your text messages. Some guys think that, because they have the number, they can easily set up a date and then just end up sleeping with a woman, but it doesn’t work that way. You still have to use all of your other skills and keep her attracted to you, or she’ll completely lose interest and stop answering you and maybe even not show up.
Women are very emotional, and they have periods during which they’ll go up and down with their feelings, even about you. One minute they love you; the next minute they think you’re a loser. If you don’t keep her engaged and interested, you will lose her.
There are different ways of communicating your value through text. The timing and spelling are two ways to do it, but there are also other ways. For instance, you always want to appear as if you’re doing something. So instead of saying things like, “I am just bored, so I figured I’d give you a buzz,” say something like, “I just got home after a crazy and busy day at the office. So happy I finally got a minute to relax. What’s new with you?” Something like this tells a woman you’re a busy guy who works hard and has other priorities in his life. You’ve also asked her what’s new with her, which opens the door for a chat.
Another thing you could say is, “Hey, Julie, how are you? Haven’t talked to you in a while, been wicked busy lately, but I’m getting some time off this week and would love to hear from you!” Something like this shows her that you’re busy but again opens the door for her to message you. You always want to seem like you’ve been doing a lot of things but at the same time are messaging her because you’re getting some time off and would like to spend a bit of it with her.
Another quick point about keeping her interested has to do with texting her after you’ve set up a time to hang out together. Some guys (and I did this a lot when I first started getting good with game) will stop texting her after the date is set up. This is not a good move because, like everything else mentioned before, the woman loses interest. Her chances of flaking out go up astronomically when you do something like this. A simple text of “How’s your day going, sweetheart? I hope it’s as much fun as mine is today :)” will suffice in that time between the day you set up the date and the day of it.
You want to try to keep communicating with her a little bit just to make sure she still hears from you and feels that you’re not just another guy who wants to go on a date so he can get into her pants. Even a short quick text like the one above shows her that you’re interested in her outside of that date you’ve set up with her.
If she doesn’t show up, and you didn’t text her in the meantime, it’s most likely over anyway. However, if you’ve texted her a few times, not talking about the date, and she does end up flaking on you at the last minute, you’ll have built more comfort and communication with her, so setting up another day to hang out could still be easy.
On the day of the date, you want to shoot her a text, preferably early in the day and long before you’re going to meet up. This ensures you that it’s still on and tells her that you’re still in. She’s most likely doing the same thing that you are: waiting for that text so that you both know for sure that you’re both still in and not going to flake. By doing this, you almost guarantee a no-flake scenario between the two of you.
You can say something simple such as “Hey, what’s up Katie? Tonight’s going to be a blast! I can’t wait. I might be a minute or two late, but I’ll do my best :)”
This is perfect. It’s simple and right to the point. She knows that you’re still in, and you tell her casually that you might be a minute late, which is really nothing. But by saying this, she’ll definitely respond and let you know if she’s still in. (Which, if you’ve done everything else right, she will be.)
Say What You Would Say in Person
This is a seemingly obvious thing to me but so many dudes mess this up when first learning how to text girls.
So many guys say or act completely different through text than they do in person.
They either try to play this super cool guy, who they really aren’t in person, or they’ll say really over-the-top things, really ballsy things, pretending like they’re that kind of guy. In person, they’re as quiet as a mouse and would never dare repeat any of the things they talked about in text messages. Basically, they’ll talk a big game but in no way at all can they even pretend to back it up in person.
Doing something like this will absolutely blow your chances for success with women.
She’ll think she’s meeting a really cool, outgoing, and edgy guy, when in fact she’s really meeting a shy, quiet, down-to-earth one. There’s nothing wrong with being that second guy, but the fact that you portrayed yourself as someone else has just ruined it for you.
I’m not saying not to say edgy, funny, even risqué things through text—in fact, I encourage this. All I’m saying is keep it to the edgy, funny, and risqué things that actually come out of your mouth from time to time. Be willing to say those things again to her in person. It will work out great for you if you can develop a game where you can say gutsy statements through text and then back them up in person.
What to Text A Girl For That First Time
Really, before you even think about what to text a girl, you should make sure she absolutely gets your number!
Texting her right when you get her number is definitely the best way to make sure that she gave you the correct one. It also gets a message screen of your text popping up on her phone. When she gets this new text-message box, she’ll presumably add your name so that she knows who has texted her. This familiarizes you even more to her and sets up your future texts. She’s more likely to respond to the texts thereafter.
After sending her an initial text with something like “Hey, its Justin Stenstrom,” (you always want to give her your name, usually the full name) you can send her a text, maybe a few minutes later, or when you get back home, whenever that may be.
Presumably, you’ll text her within a few hours as you really don’t want to wait too long here. Even if she didn’t respond to your first text with your name in it (because that was just your way of giving your number to her and familiarizes you more), you want to say something like, “Hey Katie, it was great to meet you today, can’t wait to grab a drink with you soon :)” Or, “Hey sweetheart, I had fun meeting you today, soooo can’t wait to go rollerblading tomorrow!”
And yes, emphasis of a word by adding a few letters is another good thing to do from time to time. Again, you can’t use your own voice to put extra meaning on things, so doing something like this often does the trick. It’s a great way of telling her that you really can’t wait and that you’re excited about meeting up again.
Messages like the ones above are great initial ones after you get her number. They let her know that you’re happy to have met her and are excited to see her again. They also open the door for the planning of the next meet-up.
Texting Her to Meet Up
Texting her to meet up with you is pretty straightforward. You want to initiate a conversation before just asking if she wants to hang out with you. You want to text her, get a couple of texts going back and forth, and then text her about meeting up. For the first text with a girl, you want whenever possible to bring back what’s known in the dating world as “callback humor.”
Callback humor is talking about something you two discussed that was either funny or interesting. If it was something funny, you’d text her about whatever it was that made you laugh. Any type of text would work. All you’re really doing is bringing up the good emotions that were released with whatever that subject was that caused the humor, thus making her recall a pleasant memory and associating that memory with you.
This is known in NLP as “anchoring.” If it was something interesting that you two connected on, and you want to bring up those emotions of being connected with her, it’s still the same idea. You’ll be summoning a good memory in her mind and thus anchoring that good feeling to you again when you bring it back up in your text.
After getting a quick conversation going, you then want to see what time she might be available during the week so that you can figure out a time to get together. The best way I’ve found to do this, without coming across as weak, is to say something like, “Hey, I’m a little busy today and tomorrow, but I have a few days off after that, so I’m sure we can figure out a day to get together.” Or maybe this: “Yeah, I am booked during the weekend, but I have the next few days off. What’s your schedule like? I’m thinking we get together ASAP :)”
Both of these examples show her that you have other plans and other things on your plate. They put more value on your time and make her want to spend some of hers with you. They also give you a good idea about what her schedule is like and when she will be available to hang out. From there, you can just pick one of the days she’s free and set up a time, place, and activity.
What to Text A Girl When She Doesn’t Text You Back
There are a few techniques that can be used if a woman does not text back. First, however, I would like to mention the fact that a woman who doesn’t text back is not necessarily rejecting you or your approach in any way. She might have any number of reasons why she just doesn’t feel like talking to you right now.
Even if she thought you were completely amazing, she still may not feel like answering you or replying to your text. It happens to the best of us. What you do not want to do is send her text after text after text, thinking that she’ll have a change of heart and text you back. She might have a change of heart, but it will only be a change in any attraction that she ever had for you. That will now be completely gone.
If you text her more than two unanswered texts in a row, you seriously risk blowing it completely. Instead, if she doesn’t answer the first text, you’re allowed one more text (maybe an hour or a two later), and I will show you what this text should say in a moment.
However, if she doesn’t answer either of these texts, drop your efforts, keep some dignity for the time being, and put her number in the “will try again some other time” bin.
That’s right, don’t toss it out completely. Like I said, she might just be under the weather, having a bad day, still getting over a recent break-up, or be completely stressed and busy with work. Stop your attempts for maybe a week or two and then retry again. A lot of the time this reattempt works perfectly and you can pick-up right where you left off.
The first thing I will do if she does not answer my text, and I know (just by the way she was texting me before) that she definitely received it by now, is send a text like this, “K sounds good lol” or even one like this, “All right hun that sounds Awesome lol.” Both of these make light of the fact that she didn’t answer you. They are short and sweet. They do not blow it out of proportion that she ignored you. Instead, they make a joke out of it, and they usually work to get a response.
Oftentimes, when a woman sees a text like this, she’ll most likely laugh and just answer your text from earlier. Or, she might actually apologize for not answering the first text and explain why she didn’t. Either way, you’ll be communicating with her again.
Another technique you can use if she doesn’t answer the two texts you’ve most likely sent her is to do what they used to do in the olden days—call her! Yes, you heard me correctly. Just pick up your phone, dial her number, and press the little green PHONE icon once. Call her, for Christ’s sake! This should most likely be done approximately a week or two later, after she did not reply back to your two texts.
Unless of course you’re supposed to be meeting up with her on said day, and she’s ignoring your texts. If this is the case, then by all means blow up her phone and make sure that she is still planning to hang out with you. If she blows you off then and does not apologize later that day or even the next (give her 24 hours to come up with the greatest sob story and excuse of all time!), then DELETE her number and delete her as a potential lover. She’s not worth your time and energy. Move on to someone else who is.
The call you make, after the unanswered texts, really isn’t a call made to be answered. I’d say 9 times out of 10 she won’t answer the phone at that point. However, it is meant as a way for you to leave a great and exciting voice mail that tries to get you back in her favor.
A great voice mail can really be like a phoenix in your dating efforts with her. It can basically be a rebirth to a potential lost cause that was beginning to play itself out. Unlike a text, a great voice mail has the intricacies of your voice, your tone, and your enthusiasm, and it can literally be a perfect call to action for her.
So summon your coolest, manliest voice, and dial the phone. Don’t have a fake voice, but have your best one ready when you hear that beep and leave your message, something along the lines of, “Hey, Ashley, I’ve been really busy the last week or so. I’ve been jammed with work and everything else. I’m finally going to have some time off soon! I figured I’d drop you a line and see how you were doing. Talk to you soon. Bye!”
A voice mail like this is pretty effective in a last-resort situation. It’s laid back, not too eager to get her response, but at the same time it says that you would definitely like to hear from her and even meet up. Oftentimes, a cool, nonchalant but interesting message like the one above will do the trick in getting her to message you again.
What to Text A Girl If You Want to Challenge Her
The last technique I teach students is to use a text message that challenges her to hang out with you.
This can be done if she has canceled plans or just doesn’t seem to want to make any real plans with you. It can also be used instead of the voice mail a few weeks after the non-reply on the two texts you sent her. It can even be used a few weeks after the voice mail, which is a few more weeks after the non-answer of texts. If she doesn’t answer this, it’s over.
Just call it a day and move on to someone else. At that point, you’ve used all the techniques that are really effective, but she just doesn’t want anything to do with you. (Again, it may not even be you.) You have to move on for your sake and for hers. You do not want to be some kind of nutty stalker. Nobody likes nutty stalkers.
This last text technique has really worked well in the past for me and for my students. Basically, you want to qualify her and call her out in a funny way for not wanting to hang out with you. You can say something like, “What’s up sweetheart? Are you going to hang out this week, or are you going to keep being a Diddler?” Now, before you laugh and say, what a ridiculous thing to say, hear me out.
A line like this is actually really effective and a lot more intricate than you might think. For one, it challenges the woman in question who’s been ignoring you, to hang out with you and not be a “diddler” like you’re suggesting she is. It also qualifies her, which is huge in game, and makes her want to hang out with you just to prove to you that she’s not what you’re calling her.
Another important thing a text like this does is to make you seem like the one in control, not her. You show her that you’re strong enough to say something as challenging as this, stand by it, and put the ball back in her court to react to it. Finally, a text like this will most likely make her laugh. When she reads it and sees what an outlandish statement it is, she’ll probably laugh a little. It’s a funny line, and one she probably wouldn’t get too often from guys. (If she’s more of an uptight woman, go ahead and throw a “smiley face” or a “lol” at the end of it. You can also interchange the word “diddler” with any other noun of your liking—anything that you feel would be funny and challenging at the same time. I like this particular word because it really isn’t all that offending and blatantly comes across as a joke rather than something a little harsher that she might take the wrong way.)
Use these various tips and tricks wisely.
Obviously some of them may not be one hundred percent applicable to your current situation.
But if you understand the purpose for each technique and why it works, you’ll have a much better grasp on what to text a girl and how to really master your texting.
And yes, your dating life WILL improve when you get this text thing down . . .
More dates, more compliments, and more women falling for you!
Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to learn this incredible skill!?
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P.S. If you have any other suggestions or things you use/say when texting girls, please share them below!