I recently read a great article about first dates by Kyle Ingham, the founder of The Distilled Man. In it he talks about 11 Key Questions that come up on first dates. And I have to say, he really nails it on the head!
I love looking for new articles and great writers who share similar ideas as I do. Fortunately, I found one in Kyle. When you get a chance, check out the article and his site, you will learn a ton about being a more refined gentleman.
After reading his blog post I wanted to expand a bit on it and comment on the information he presents. As I said, I totally agree with everything he says, but I would like to elaborate further on what he talks about:
Having a plan before you go out is absolutely a great idea. You don’t want to be “winging” it throughout the night (or day). This only leads to interruptions, complications, and logistical problems. So by thinking things through a little before you go out, and coming up with a few places you want to go, a few things you want to do, and a few topics you want to talk about, you greatly improve your chances of having a successful date!
Also, when it comes to a first date and the location of it, let me just say that I totally agree here; you do not want to do a dinner and, or a movie! This never works out well on a first date. It’s awkward: there’s nothing to do except eat and have boring, interview-style conversation. You sit across from one another or next to one another for several, long and painful hours while you tell yourself how badly the date sucks! Choose someplace fun instead. Go somewhere where there’s an activity to share and something fun to do together. Women love doing fun activities just as much as guys. Contrary to popular belief, most women do not like sitting around and just talking all night long.
Also, another great point made in the article concerns being yourself. It is very important to be yourself and not be worried about trying to be perfect. But on the other-hand, I certainly agree with having a good filter on the first date and avoiding things like talking about past relationships and other inappropriate topics like that. In fact, if a woman starts talking to you about these types of things, I recommend immediately changing the topic, either by stopping her and saying as kindly as possible that “You’d rather not talk about her ex” or by ignoring her and just sort of losing interest in the conversation until she gets the point…and she will most of the time! And then of course bringing up something else to switch gears, and the mood of the date.
As far as going for a kiss on the first date, I absolutely recommend this. The only thing I would say, is to avoid waiting until the end of the date to go in for the kiss. By then there’s going to be a huge amount of pressure on you and it’s kind of awkward for both of you because it’s such a proverbial thing to do, “The kiss goodnight.” Women don’t like being put into uncomfortable situations, especially with someone they just met. The best way to avoid this, is to go for the kiss much earlier in the date, at a time when you too are laughing or having a good time and being close (hopefully you’ve been escalating throughout the date) to each other.
Another point I wanted to add which wasn’t really addressed in this great article, was going for sex on the first date. It’s kind of like the elephant in the room between two people who embark on a night out together. It’s always a thought in the back of a woman’s mind, and a possibility which she accepts when she says “Okay” to going out with you. And of course it’s THE MAIN thought in the forefront of all guys’ minds. Let’s face it, us guys all want sex. It’s what makes the world go ‘round and what makes us tick. We think about it constantly, and it’s the sole purpose for wanting to go out on a date in the first place. But should we try for it?
Absolutely. You should not force it, or even rush it for that matter, but if a connection is quite apparent between you and your date, and attraction and escalation (kissing, hugging, touching each other, etc.) abounds, then you should try to go for it. And this is where having a plan before the date comes into play again. You should have a good idea about where to take her (your house, apartment, hotel, anywhere) and how you can take her there. If you do not have any idea, you will not be having sex with her that night, or any night for that matter until you do!
Having sex on the first night is no different than having sex on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 20th or 100th time you see her. There should not be a minimum threshold here. (Again do not try to force it though. If it’s apparent she is not really all that comfortable with you yet, be patient! There’s nothing wrong with having to wait a while until she is comfortable.) And just because a woman is willing to have sex with you on day one does not make her easy. She is doing what is natural for human-beings. We are all sexual creatures and all inclined to want to act on these sexual desires. Society gives women a bad rap in this country when a woman is more open and in-tuned with her sexuality. It’s time to stop acting this way and realize that it’s not such a big deal. Women want sex just as much as men, but for some reason they’re not supposed to want to act on it. Give me a break! Let their desires and their wishes come true and allow yours to as well. If you can sleep with a woman on the first date, go for it.
On a final note, I want to add that going on a first date seems to have a lot of pressure surrounding it. Of course you’re always going to be nervous meeting a new woman, and someone you’re attracted to. That’s normal. But having fear and anxiety about trying to be perfect and make everything go right is not normal. It’s not right and it’s not effective. By being comfortable and trying to have fun above all else you will be much more happy and successful with your dates. Life is all about having a good time and making memories. Each experience that you have is a new memory to add to that collection.
Instead of trying to make things go exactly the way you want them to, allow yourself the opportunities to screw up; say dumb things, spill a drink, trip, fall, look silly, be goofy, and mess up, and turn these things into laughs. Enjoy your time out with women and enjoy your first dates. Don’t put so much pressure into finding the love of your life and being Mr. Perfect. Instead focus on having fun being yourself and having a good time with someone new. This way you’ll have a better time, and your date will too!